How best to coach a friend
Take your friend seriously
Purge any thought about what your friend “should” do, or that it would “be much better” to do such-and-such. Coaching is not about getting the other person to do what you would do. Rather, it is a challenge to get the other person to do what he himself wants to do. If your friend asks you what you think, send it right back: “What do you think?” Neither should you say that it is wrong to think a certain way. There is always some kind of logic behind it. Sometimes a thought-pattern might seem “wrong” from ones own perspective, but in that other person’s world it can be wholly correct, much like how liver can taste revolting to some and fantastic to others. The “get-a-hold-of-yourself” attitude is disrespectful and it usually doesn’t work anyway.
Let your friend find the answers
The goal is to get your friend to say, “I know how it sounds, why do I do things like that?” If you hear something illogical, say, “What you are saying now, how is that consistent with what you said earlier about ....?”
Concentrate on the process
As a friend, you are used to having your own reflections about what is said in a conversation. For example, perhaps you often answer, “Don’t you feel awful when that happens?”, or, “That reminds of the time when I…” Try to resist the impulse to react to the content in what your friend is telling you. Your goal is to open up your friend’s thought-channels. Look to get exhaustive answers, for example:
- What do you think about what you just said?
- Can you look at it in any other way?
Get to the heart of the matter
The point is to lay every detail out on the table. Exhaust the topic until everything is said. Maybe you can start by asking, “What do you want to tell me about your relation to your boss”. Then you can continue, “What more can you tell me about how that is working?”, “Something else?” and “What else were you thinking?”
Avoid asking "Why"
The question “why?” can seem a little bit like a cross-examination and that might put your friend on the defensive. Your aim is to create an open and warm atmosphere as much as possible. Ask instead, “How did it come about that…” in a tone of curiosity. That sounds better. Some other variations are: “What is it that happened when…”, and, “How do you feel when…?”
Don't just guess
If your friend says, “You know what it is like to be the boss”, then play ignorant, “No. Tell me, what’s it like?”
Show that you are listening
You must be completely focused on your friend during a coaching session. Show that you are with words like, “I hear that you…”, “You don’t seem completely certain that…”, “That’s interesting…but what do you think about it?”
Take your time
When your friend says, “I don’t know”, just give it some more time. Over-achievers especially think that the answer must come forth immediately.
Break away from negative trains of thought
If your friend says, “Nobody likes me” or “It’s not worth it.”, you should question the assertion. Ask, “Now, is that really true?”
Follow-up
During the next coaching session, it is a good idea to follow-up from the last one. Ask about what has happened since your last session. What went well? Can more of it be done? What worked the best? What kind of difficulties arose? What can be done to overcome them from now on?
Praise
Give abundant praise for real, concrete progress. That creates extra energy.
The more specific you can be with your praise, the more your words will
be appreciated.